Unlikely News: Liberace Schools Ted Haggard (Tired Queens Revolt)
You may be surprised to hear my take on this, but I know a little about Liberace and way more than I want to about Ted Haggard. After all, I'm a classically trained pianist, as was Liberace.
All of the sudden I think there may be something to all this channeling nonsense! [Cue spooky Liberace piano music, lots of reverb, and ghostly holograph of Liberace piano playing itself]. Oh did I leave that stage cue in there? I can be such a klutz sometimes!
Anyway darlings, rumors of my untimely and unglamorous death were highly exaggerated by some well-meaning friends in the Hollywood and Vegas press.
But it all turned out just fine, like always my little lambs! Had them over for a huge weekend party in my new secret lair - and they stayed for the redecorating Dinner on Sunday night! More on that later. I think I need a break from Rococo, and crawl back to the comfort of my beloved Louis XIV.
Mother was reading the paper to me yesterday, and there was this rather disturbing news about some religious man and the goings on in his boudoir. Not that his boudoir is disturbing, I'm sure it's nicely appointed.
Instead, the news was about this poor man and his wife and this nasty little trick trying to take the good Christian down into the gutter!
I won't have it. Liberace's fans won't have it! We must start a fabulous media blitz campaign and let everyone know just how good and Christian Ted Haggard is! We can hire lots of nice young men to do the heavy lifting and go door-to-door. I don't have that many bedrooms though, thank heavens. [cue angelic singing]
Am I gay? GAY, you SAY? Heck no, I'm married to Jesus! And he told me to turn the other cheek even though I want to slap you!
Too bad Ted isn't creative like I am. I think his wife gets at least a Rolls and I suggest a nice Throne as well. Works for me! And you put that nasty little trick to work driving you around and cleaning your gutters. America loves you!
Do you like the diamonds and furs, Ladies? They are nice, don't you think? OF COURSE THEY ARE - JESUS BOUGHT THEM FOR ME
My assistant tells me the
Well, Ted, I'm not sure about all of that. When I cry all the way to the bank, it's because I've given my life to showbiz - and she's a b-word if you take my meaning! I certainly don't make a habit of telling my secrets. Antiques and wardrobe are expensive enough as it is!
[yes I tagged Perez Hilton. You gotta problem widdat? ]
